The Quick Take
When someone you care about is grieving, your steady presence is the greatest gift. You do not have to fix their pain. You can reduce isolation, protect their energy, and help them feel safe. This article is a simple, culturally sensitive, evidence-informed guide with scripts and small actions you can take.
Grief can be heavy. Reach out early, say their person’s name, offer specific practical help, keep checking in for months, and respect personal, cultural, or spiritual needs. If safety is a concern, call 9-1-1 or 988 in Canada.
First words to say (and avoid)
Say
- “I’m so sorry. I’m here with you.”
- “I’m so sorry about [Name]. I’m holding you both in my thoughts.”
- “I don’t have the right words. I care about you, and I’m here.”
- “Would it help to talk about [Name] right now, or would you prefer quiet company?”
- “I can help with calls and logistics if you want me to.”
- “No need to reply. I love you. I’ll check in tomorrow.”
- Use their person’s name. It affirms the reality of the loss and that their loved one mattered.
Avoid
- “They’re in a better place.”
- “At least …” statements that minimize the loss.
- “Time heals all wounds.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- Advice, timelines, or comparisons.
- Turning the conversation to your losses unless invited.
What to do in the first 72 hours
Grief scrambles executive function. Clear, concrete help beats “Let me know if you need anything.”
How to show up
- Reach out right away. Text, call, or drop a short voice note. A short message is enough, no need to overthink it.
- Make one specific offer. Choices can overwhelm. Remove mental load.Helpful offers (pick one)
- “I’m at the grocery store. I can drop ready-to-eat meals at 5 p.m.”
- “I can call the funeral home and ask about next steps.”
- “I’ll drive you to the visitation.”
- Be a calm presence. Sit, listen, make tea, answer the door, help with chores, walk the dog.
- Protect their energy. Keep visits short unless they ask you to stay. Limit questions. Gatekeep calls. Ask if they’d like you to coordinate visitors or set up a shared updates thread.
- Honour culture and ritual. Ask what’s important to them. Some families sit shiva. Some hold a wake. Some pray, chant, or need time before visitors. Follow their lead.
Weeks 1–4: practical support that’s actually helpful
Early help dwindles fast. Keep it simple and specific.
- Food that fits their life. Label contents and date. Think simple, light, reheat-friendly, and easy clean-up. Set up a short meal train with portions for freezing. Stock staples: fruit, soup, bread, eggs, tea, tissues.
- Care for the caregivers. Offer rides, childcare, pet care, plant/lawn/snow help, pharmacy runs, or help with daily chores.
- Errand loop. Add one of their to-dos to your weekly loop: groceries, Canada Post drop, recycling, library returns.
- Quiet company. Invite them to “sit and scroll,” watch a show, or go for a slow walk. Offer to stay overnight if the house feels scary or empty.
- Admin & logistics (only if asked). Help find provincial Vital Statistics requirements or sort mail, bills, and forms. Coordinate out-of-town guest pick-ups. Help set “away” replies and voicemail. Bring sticky notes and go at a gentle pace.
Months 2–12: how to keep showing up
Grief rarely peaks at the funeral. Many people feel the quiet crash weeks later. The world moves on; grief does not. Put reminders in your phone.
- Check-ins that land. “Thinking of you this Monday. Just want you to know I’m here. No need to reply.”
- Dates that sting. Mark the birthday, death date, holidays, and Mother’s/Father’s Day. Check in the day before and the day of. Send a simple note and offer a plan.
- Memory invitations. “Would you like to share a photo or story of [Name] today?”
- Gifts that support. A meal gift card, cleaning session, dog-walking, grocery card, or a gift subscription to Solace (resources they can use on their own time).
- Easy outings. Invite them for a low-demand activity: coffee, a drive, a walk, a market.
Culturally sensitive support
Grief is universal. Rituals are not. Curiosity and respect matter more than knowing everything.
Ask, don’t assume
- “What traditions or practices matter for you and your family?”
- “Are there customs or prayers I should know about?”
- “Would you like me to coordinate with your community or faith leader?”
Avoid
- Assuming timelines. In some traditions, grief is publicly expressed for months; in others, tears are private.
- Pushing “closure.” Many cultures value continuing bonds, like speaking to or about the deceased with love.
Be flexible
- Mirror preferences: quiet reflection vs. storytelling; hugs vs. no touch.
- Some families want large gatherings. Others prefer privacy.
- Some avoid tears around the body; others sit vigil and tell stories.
- Timelines differ. In some cultures, mourning may centre on the first 3, 7, 13, 30, or 49 days, or a year. Honour their pace.
Your role
- Offer space for communal grieving if that’s important to the family.
- Support logistics for rituals, rides to services, or help sourcing culturally specific foods or items.
- Learn pronunciation for names and phrases if they invite you to use them.
Script library: texts, DMs, cards, voicemails
Day 1 text
“Dear [Name], I’m so sorry about [Name]. I’m at my phone all day. If it helps, I can drop soup and fruit at 4 p.m.”
Voicemail
“Hi, it’s me. No need to call back. I’m thinking of you and [Name]. I can pick up groceries tonight or drive you tomorrow. I’ll text options.”
Card
“Dear [Name], I’m holding you and [Name of the person who died] in my heart. Their kindness and laugh live on in all of us who loved them. I’m delivering dinner on Wednesday and will check again next week. With love.”
Two-month check-in
“Just a note to say I’m still here. If talking about [Name] would feel good today, I’d love to listen. If not, we can also just walk.”
At work (manager to employee)
“Take the time you need. We’ll flex deadlines and protect your focus when you return. Tell me what to share with the team, and what to keep private.”
Checklist: helpful offers you can make today
Pick one and send it.
- Set up a meal train that fits their dietary needs.
- Groceries: staple list + fresh fruit + easy proteins.
- Household: laundry, dishes, floors, garbage, snow or lawn.
- Admin: scan and sort mail, set up bill autopay, print copies of the death registration if asked.
- Transport: rides to the funeral home, service, bank, Service Canada, or the doctor.
- Kids & pets: school runs, homework hour, pet walks, vet meds.
- Memory care: print photos, create a shared album, frame one favourite.
- Self-care: book a cleaning, massage, or gift a Solace subscription if they’re open to it. Solace provides personalized care plans, curated resources, and guidance from a dedicated care manager to help navigate the process after loss.
- After the service: After the service, return any borrowed coolers, platters, and flowers. Recycle any excess cardboard and packaging, and make a thank-you list together. Ask the funeral home if they keep a record of guests, memorial donations, or condolence cards. If possible, request a list of names and mailing addresses so writing thank-you cards later is easier.
Signs they may need extra help + Canadian helplines
Grief is not an illness. It’s normal for intense grief to come in waves. It can still become overwhelming. Gently suggest talking to a professional if you notice, over many weeks:
- Persistent inability to perform basic daily tasks
- Ongoing insomnia or significant appetite changes
- Intense guilt or hopelessness, ongoing numbness, or constant intrusive thoughts
- Risk-taking, heavy substance use, or talk of not wanting to live
- No social contact at all, refusing all support
If safety is an immediate concern, call 9-1-1.
If you or they need to talk now (Canada):
- 988 Suicide Crisis Helpline (call or text, 24/7)
- Talk Suicide Canada: 1-833-456-4566 (24/7)
- Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868 or text 686868
- Hope for Wellness (for Indigenous peoples): 1-855-242-3310 or online chat
- 211 for local community supports and grief services in your province
- Distress Centres of Canada: local numbers vary; many offer text and chat
Offer to sit with them while they call or text, if it feels okay for you and is within your emotional capacity.
The “gift” approach to support
When words feel small, think in gifts of stability:
- Time: a weekly standing check-in or ride
- Energy: a cleaned kitchen, a shovelled driveway
- Food: a stocked fridge with easy options
- Memory: a framed photo, a shared story
- Navigation: help with forms or appointments
- Optional digital support. If they’re open to it, offer to help set up a gentle support app like Solace for logistics and check-ins, only if and when they want it.
Small, steady gifts add up to care.
If you’re supporting, take care of you too
Supporting grief can stir your own feelings. Eat, hydrate, sleep when you can. Take turns with other helpers. Talk to someone if the load feels heavy.
Final word
You don’t need the perfect sentence. Your consistent, practical kindness is the medicine. Say their name. Make one concrete offer. Keep showing up in ways that honour their culture, their needs, and their pace.
Save this
- Bookmark this guide.
- Add anniversaries and key dates to your calendar with reminders.
- Keep a small “support kit” at home: blank cards, stamps, freezer-friendly containers.
FAQ
Is it okay to say the person’s name?
Yes. Most people appreciate hearing their loved one’s name. If they explicitly state otherwise, respect their boundaries.
How long does grief last?
There isn’t a timeline. Many people feel raw for months, and the ache can resurface for years. Your steady, simple support matters more than perfect timing.
How often should I check in?
this depends on the level of relationship before the loss. In most cases, little and often beats one long message. Weekly touch points for the first two months are kind. Then monthly, plus key dates.
What if I said the wrong thing?
Own it and repair. “I realize what I said may have hurt. I’m sorry. I’m learning. I care about you.”
They don’t want to talk. What now?
Respect it and keep a light presence: porch drops, emojis, photos of the sky, “no reply needed” notes.
What if they cry? What if I cry?
Tears are welcome. Offer tissues and presence. You don’t need to fix anything.
What if I’m far away?
You can still be helpful: regular texts with no pressure to reply; gift cards for local groceries or meals; flower or meal deliveries; a video call to listen; arranging local help through their friends; gifting Solace so they can access gentle prompts and resources when it suits them.
What should I not do?
Don’t avoid them. Don’t explain the loss with platitudes. Don’t jump to lessons or “at least” statements. Don’t share stories that increase their burden to comfort you.
What if they say they’re fine?
Keep checking in without pressure. Offer small, specific help. Grief takes energy; “I’m fine” can be a shield.
